Day 29- The one where I was harassed by Seema

Dear blog, today, we (a.k.a Chachi, my friend Aastha and I) finished the wedding card invitation folding task. Yay us! The bride is back in town (woot woot!) and she has brought her लेहंगा, the details of which will be shared on one of those days when I have nothing to write about. अब आपसे क्या छुपायें, रोज़ रोज़ इन् परिवार के लोगों से noteworthy हरकतें करवाना थोड़ा मुश्किल हो जाता है. For now, suffice to share that it is purple in colour and is mind bogglingly gorgeous!

In an earlier post, I had mentioned we got a new refrigerator and a new 21-year old girl to help with household chores including cooking. If you read the post (by clicking here) you will notice that I use the adjective "sweet" to describe Seema. Well I don't mean that anymore.

See, in the time since I wrote THAT post and today, she had converted into a sharp-tongued nightmare who has made it her life's goal to harass me. I am now 26 and in my wizened age, I am used to being a certain way, wearing certain kinds of clothes and living in my own set ways. So you can imagine my incredulity when this 21 year old suddenly makes it her mission to "groom me". And to add serious insult to injury, her classroom method is sarcasm!

I first noticed that she was cornering me when during our card-folding task yesterday, she kept calling out snide remarks about how I would be a total let-down for my parents when I get married because I would be a horrible बहु (I swear when she used the word बहु for me, I retched a little bit). But with buaji around, she got little chance to talk.

This morning, I walk down grumpily to the kitchen to fix me some breakfast and boil me some nice coffee and there she is, smiling benevolently at me. I assume she was smiling benevolently because that is what psychos do while planning their kill; the only thing I saw was that mean glint in her eyes. Now, I usually do not engage my surly self in any form of communication before breakfast. Chacha says it is because I take time adjusting to reality after my blissful 14 hours of sleep. So when Seema says "आपको मुझे बहुत कुछ सिखाना है" just like that, out of the blue, I don't ask her what the hell she is talking about. I proceed with frying them eggs and boiling my coffee. But she is undeterred: "आप जब अपने घर जाओगे तो एकदम शर्मिंदा कर दोगे हम लोगों को. अगर कोई बड़ा होता तो आपको सिखाता". It is funny she says that, seeing as not only my parents but my Chachi and Chacha too technically hold that status of "बड़ा" and for a moment she almost corroborated my theory that the "adults" in our family are of no use at all. But more on that some other time.

So as I said, from that time of the morning until she left at the holy hour of 5:30 p.m., Seema followed me around telling me how I will surely cause "them" embarrassment when I go to "my home". Apparently, Seema views one's home as the house of one's spouse's parents where one must slave for all mortal eternity. Furthermore- and this is the truly bizzare bit- apparently Seema is now among my family members who will apparently be embarrassed by my ways.

To save myself the horror of reliving each moment, I will make a brief list of things she said are flawed in me:

1. The red streaks in my hair
2. My tattoos (she offered to scrub these with नींबू to see if they go away)
3. My undignified clothes (the t-shirt must never be longer than the sweatshirt)
4. My clothes (the t-shirt and the sweatshirt must never be worn by girls)
5. The way I talk (apparently, I look people in the eye when I talk)
6. My walk (is too manly; I am not shy enough when I walk)
7. My habit of drinking coffee (Don't ask me, I have no idea)

At this point, I retrieved my trusted i-pod and plugged the blessed earphones to drown her quite unbearable chatter. However, somewhere during the day there came a time just after Barry Manilow's Oh Mandy stopped playing, before Chillar Party's Tai Tai Phish could rescue me that I heard Seema saying how at my age girls should be taking care of at least two children. I am not quite sure if she meant children that said girls of 26 have birthed or just any children.

I am not quite sure how long I can bear this ridiculous behaviour. I mean a crazy family is one thing, but साला अब this too? After the नींबू on my precious tattoo episode, I went wailing to Chachi for comfort but Chachi has firmly said to me that anything that I may have to say to Seema must not be said until after the wedding.

Therefore, i-pod mine dearest, I shall rely on thee to save mine mind from the (un)fair maiden Seema for the coming month.