I will search the roads and rails for a girl. Literally.

In the present times of struggle, distance and unhappiness, people are looking for reasons to celebrate. Especially the older generations who are not quite used to the empty-nest syndrome. Technology may be shrinking the world but at the end of the day, the average middle-aged couple finds itself alone in a house that until sometime back, was alive and kicking! And the average Punjabi middle-aged couple, with a working son or daughter has one sole aim in life- to find a suitable match for the kid. But here too, there is a pendulum of crazy that possesses the parents, which ranges from mild to affliction.

Ahuja, I believe, would swing right off the affliction end of the pendulum.

A few days back this man called on our home number and asked for "Kakkar sahab". Assuming he was somebody my uncle did business with, I said he was not at home and that I could take a message. I could never have guessed what was coming. I am quoting it all but will not translate the funniest bits from Hindi otherwise it won't be as hilarious.

Ahuja: Beta, I talked to Kakkar sahab about Monu a few months back. My son is a CA; package of rupees 7 lac per annum. Kakkar sahab had said that she is doing her M.Sc [haha] so I called to ask if he is ready now. Aap kaun ho beta?

My mind flashed back to when Monu had recently started her M.Sc. and was coming back home from college during a weekend. Now, if I were an imaginative author I would write about how Monu's eyes are large and have a calming effect on the other person and that her hair is thick and wavy and quite magical. But since I am not, I will say she is darned pretty and on that fateful day that was destined to be the cause of hysterical laughing in our household several times in future, she had opened her hair and was dozing off in the train. This is where Ahuja saw her! THE TRAIN! Remember the swinging off the pendulum of crazy?

So, Ahuja likes this dainty, sharif-looking pretty girl he sees and initiates a conversation with a drowsy but awake Monu. He asks her what she is doing, if she is headed home, her full name, what her father does etc. Now, years of academic excellence has thankfully, not instilled in Monu, the common sense to not speak with a stranger and dole out every detail about home and family. Her ears pricked suspiciously only when the buddha asks for her dad's number. She managed to get out of it and pretty much spent the rest of the journey hanging near the toilets.

But Ahuja had contacts and made a few calls to find out who we are and where we stay and called up Monu's dad one day, which is when the conversation that he told me about took place. Now a hysterical Monu had told me of the episode and did not believe me when I suggested it was probably about the buddha's son.

So reeling back to the present, the conversation continued hence:

Me [sniggering]: Uncle, I am Monu's older sister.

Ahuja: Acha, very nice. So beta what is Monu doing now? My son is doing really well at work, aap batao agar ab baat aage badhani hai to?

Me: Ummm... I don't know uncle, I will have her father talk to you.

Ahuja: Haan, lekin aap batao, aapko kya lagta hai?

[The man's insanity is clearly established and I decide to humour the poor fella]

Me: Uncle, we have brothers and a sister who are elder to us, hence I don't believe we are looking to marry Monu yet.

Ahuja: An elder sister, you say? What does she do?

Me: Uncle, uski shaadi fix ho chuki hai.

Ahuja: Acha, but what does she do?

Me: She is a software engineer. But Uncle, uski shaadi fix ho chuki hai.

Ahuja: S/W engineer? Excellent! My older son is also a S/W engineer based in California and working with Satyam. Which company is she working with?

Me: Uncle, uski shaadi fix ho chuki hai.

Ahuja: Acha, beta kaun si company? And where?

Me: Very audible sigh! She works for BLAH company and is in BLAH right now. Lekin uncle, uski shaadi fix ho chuki hai.

Ahuja: Aur bete, aapka bhai advocate hai?

Me: Ji Uncle.

Ahuja: What law is he practicing?

Me: Corporate. Works with BLAH in BLAH. Your son earns 7 per annum Uncle? My brother earns 9.5.
[A Punjabi will not leave any opportunity to brag]

Ahuja: Acha. Very good. Aap beta Monu se bade ho?

Me: Ji.

Ahuja: Aap kya karte ho?

Me: Uncle main 3 months baad 4 years ke liye Australia ja rahi hu.

Ahuja: Acha bete, to maine aapko apne dono sons ki details de di hain. Aap please apne Papa ko bataiyega aur aap sab bhi sochiyega. Ask him to call me back.

Me: Bilkul Uncle. Thank you.

Of course, Monu's leg is being pulled about the matter ever since, and I have been asked to repeat the entire conversation before the same people so many times now that it should no longer be funny but somehow still is.

For anybody outside of the family reading this, poor Ahuja needs 2 girls for his sons. If you want to know which train he may be spotted on, drop in a request here!

Pilot Post

We are 6 cousins, who have grown up together for the most part. SP at 26, is the oldest of the bunch. We were told that he was born to my uncle and aunt after several years of marriage had passed, in a time when it was not acceptable to society, headed by my Dadi (grandmother) to be married for more than 11 months and not have a baby. So after SP happened, heaven was flooded with thank you notes. And it may put me in trouble, but owing largely to his late arrival, he was pampered by his parents and the other 2 couples in the family as well (my parents and my other uncle and aunt)and hence has grown up into a slightly spoilt brat.

After SP, an annual childbirth-practice started in my family, that would have translated to hefty taxes had we been in China today. First in line of these successive births was my brother Ramu. Now, legend has it that Dadi was very pleased on having 2 grandsons and is rumoured to have said something to the order of "Mere kaar kudiyaan kaddi wi na ho sakdiyaan", which means that she only wanted sons for her sons. God was maybe listening at that unfortunate moment for the successive children were all girls.

Rads was born after a year of Ramu to SP's folks. There job was done and the spotlight turned on my parents who dutifully delivered ME the next year.

It was not a very happy time for the Dadi's youngest son and his wife (i.e. my uncle and aunt) when Monu came 1 year later. They were naturally elated on being parents but Dadi was adding 2 and 2 and maybe realizing there is more daughters than sons. And when the youngest came after a gap of 4 years and came as Sonu- a girl, Dadi was quite unhappy.

But it all turned OK after a while, which brings us to the present. The reason this post is soooo PINK is because it sits well with the Punjabi shaadi- flashy, loud and insane.