All that was cooking at Sushil's wedding

I am still recuperating from the intense activities of two weddings and am, for a while bursting at the seams with not just my bulging lard-content but also stories from weddings. As it so happens, with the bagful of stories I have and all of them wanting to tumble out at the same time, they remained bottled-up all this while. Today, while riding my faithful scooter through the lanes of Dehradun, I spotted Krishna and knew that to be my sign to begin writing, even as I desperately tried to hide my much-bloated self from her easy view.

So for every shaadi in Dehradun and a few in Ranchi too, Krishna is the not-so-nice toothless woman who comes to cook the meals when the guests arrive. Like most of us Indians, she is corrupt and conniving and provides a rich source of entertainment through constant bickering with the women of the house. My Dad very wisely observed about the women of the house during Sushil's wedding: "खुद बनायेंगी नहीं खाना,ना चैन से बैठेंगी".

When Monu got married, Chachi let Krishna do the cooking, and her other objectionable tasks- stuffing a whole lot of food into her mouth, packing daily meals to feed who we suspect to be the entire neighbourhood and preparing some very fancy things that we never seemed to get a taste of, among others- without any interference. But the seeds of gossips about Krishna's ways were sown right then. When the time for Sushil's wedding arrived, the good women of my family began to sit around to exchange gossip while folding wedding cards or packing mithai and other sweets or just to purely gossip. There, the skeletons from our खुरा where Krishna's workstation was set-up during Monu's wedding, were unearthed and by the time the day had arrived for Krishna to begin cooking for guests at Sushil's wedding, we were all looking at the skinny, toothless woman through heavily-coloured lenses.

Episode 1: Krishna versus Meenu bhahi.

My father instructed Meenu bhabhi- बड़ी बुआ's बहु- to instruct Krishna to make meat for lunch the next day. In his lame attempt at pampering Meenu bhabhi, who he reasoned would be tired after her journey from the state of Jharkhand to the state of Uttarakhand, my Dad ignited what would be a long-drawn battle of not-so-much-wits-as-angry-spats. Meenu bhabhi went up to Krishna and announced her supervisory role in the preparation of meat. Krishna naturally took offence and clicked her tongue disapprovingly, except that it sounds not very click-like when you have no teeth and a sagging jaw-line like Krishna does not and does. So when Meenu bhabhi asked for the प्याज-अदरक-लसन-टमाटर मसाला to be भुनो-ed well, it was भुनो-ed not so well. And when Meenu bhabhi said less salt, there was barely any salt. The end result was a watery curry with some rubbery chunks of an animal killed for nothing. Krishna-01, Meenu-00

But wait! Meenu bhabhi wanted the last laugh so when Krishna asked her how the meat was, Meenu bhahi went out of her way and through several other ways in praising the preparation. Krishna kept saying "नहीं मैं तो अलग तरीके से बनाती हूँ और बहुत अच्छा, पता नहीं इसमें नमक कैसा था" and Meenu bhabhi spent all the time she was supposed to utilize in resting after her long journey, convincing Krishna that it was marvelous. What is victory if the enemy won't accept defeat! Krishna-01, Meenu-01

Episode 2: Krishna versus mommy.

So after the meat episode, Krishna labelled us all the bad sorts and gleefully proceeded to make life hell for the women. During this शादी time, I would stop at बड़ी मम्मी's for breakfast on my way to work and my mother would scurry to the make-shift kitchen to get Krishna cooking. She did not appreciate it, I can tell you expecting to sit and have some चाय and gossip before committing to the grind.

On Saturday then, I walk into बड़ी मम्मी's in my jammies and with my weekend chirpiness at the same time as usual for my breakfast when I bump into Krishna as she was hurrying to or from somewhere. "कैसी है मेरी बेटी?" she asked a now very-surprised me. I mumbled a few words about my good health and she said "अज ते दफ्तर नी जाणा? मैं नी जाणे देना तेन्नु अज दफ्तर" before briskly walking away. Thus with the glow of a stranger's love still warming my heart, I entered the house to seek my food-procurement person, i.e. mommy. Mommies responded to the cry of her (not-so) young and was trotting of in search of Krishna when K walked in herself. Now for reasons not yet clear, mommy said to K coolly, "श्वेता के लिए नाश्ता बना दीजिये, उसको काम पर जाना है". Krishna looked at mommy equally coolly and said "मेरी बेटी ने अज दफ्तर नी जाणा" and walked off with her cup of tea to sit in the sun and chat...

Krishna- 01, Mommy- 00

... and walked off with her cup of tea to sit in the sun and chat...

Well, almost. Mommy, displaying reflexes to compete with Spiderman's, stood in front of Krishna and said menacingly, "मेरी बेटी उठते ही नाश्ता खाती है. अभी बनाओ". Never mind how mommy's statement reflects on me, I was so happy I was getting breakfast that I forgot everything else.

Krishna- 01, Mommy- 01, Me- 4 परांठे

Of course, as always happens among Punjabis, after Sushil's शादी when Krishna packed all that she could from the day's meals and bid farewell to the lot of us, she hugged all the women one by one and told them how much she would miss them. The feeling was reciprocated by some of our women and appreciation for Krishna's skills and efficiency was granted by all of them.