Nobody said it would be this hard!

The seemingly-endless celebrations and ceremonies of Monu's and Rahul's wedding finally finished. Before the wedding, during our months of preparations our conversations invariably revolved around how we would be exhausted by the time the day of the wedding arrived. But we were not tired during the five-odd days of ceremonies big and small, dancing, continuous बक-बक with extended family all getting together after years, coffee times with siblings at 3 a.m., impromptu singing of Punjabi songs and smiling oh so bloody much that we are now following a no-smiling policy as a sort of retreat for the poor, overworked jaw muscles.
Nah, the wedding was a piece of cake for us. It is the post-wedding scenario that I am having a great deal of trouble with.

Any idiot can face a storm. Picking up the pieces when the storm has passed is more difficult- much, much more difficult- than facing the harsh winds when the storm is raging. To rebuild your life, to start from where you had left off, to get used to your peace, quiet and space is a massive effort.It feels like we were steadily climbing the hill of our daily lives but were interrupted by a thunderstorm that came sweeping in and caught us in its magnificent whirlwind. Now it is gone and we cannot get a grip on how to start and where to start from, once again.

Wedding and marriage is all nice and good when your focus is on the clothes and accessories and dancing. But when you see your little sister in a dazzling ensemble (that blows your mind away every time you look at her because you realize she is a woman, not a girl anymore), sitting with सिन्दूर in her hair- THAT is the moment you understand the enormity of what is happening.

I don't mean this to be sentimental but bloody hell, nobody said it would be this hard. I did not cry when my sister's डोली was sent off. I did not understand why everybody around me was wailing like that. She has been living away from home for seven years and now also, she will be living away from home and returning home to visit just as before.

But then when I returned home I was carrying a strange void- like something in my heart was sinking and that I did not quite understand. The left room, which was my room and later became the D Room was empty now. All her stuff had been packed and sent away. But she was still in the same town. That did not feel right. Not right at all.

Since the wedding ceremonies ended really late- almost at seven a.m. the next morning- Monu and Rahul came home in the afternoon of the day of their reception for the traditional visit by the newly-married couple to the girl's house. So we all sat and chatted and Monu told us how she kicked the little brass pot of rice that your bride on TV serials lightly tips off with her feet. We talked some more and then she got up to leave. But that did not feel right either. She got married but why does she have to go now? Why can she not stay here at our home with Rahul? More sinking feeling.

Monu, Rahul, Sonu and myself were to leave for Delhi the following afternoon and I called Rahul the next morning to check about our tickets that they had booked. We talked briefly and then he asked me if I wanted to talk to Monu. I felt the third brick sinking in my stomach then because I was still in that phase when he would call and I would ask him if he wanted to talk to Monu.

It was during any one of these incidents that I understood why they cry at डोली. Yes, she is gone now. She is her own woman, with her own family.

Earlier, I had only seen a few days of dancing and celebrations and ceremonies whenever I thought of the wedding. Never had I imagined that a small ceremony would change things so drastically. Nobody warned me of how emotionally draining this wedding would be. Nobody warned me that the pain of the blisters from all the dancing in those fancy lady-shoes will be nothing compared to the clenching and unclenching of something inside- maybe the heart or maybe the bloody soul- every time I saw the empty shelf-space where her clothes used to be.

But in time, step by step we will return to life because that is what we do. Adapt to the change and then live with it. That is when I will begin to recall, here the mini-disasters like अखुं unknowingly giving Pandit (my nephew) and myself sleeping pills on the day of the wedding and get back to mocking everything everywhere!

I will still say this though, a little bloody warning beforehand would really have helped! :/