Cross-Connections

Somebody once said, albeit not very famously that unless a Punjabi has not repeated the same story at least four times to either the same or different people, it does not count as 'having been told' by him/her. Now assuming that every Punjabi is prone to repeating self at least four times, one can understand the implications of this when one takes one story and sees how it bounces back and forth among four members of the same family. It leads to a lot of complications and to prove this, I have developed yet another theory, which I choose to call the Theory of Cross Connections.

Economic theories make absurd assumptions to prove just about anything but I here will attempt to explain this 'Theory of Cross Connections' through very realistic assumptions. So while there is imperfect competition in the market, and there are more than two commodities for sale or exchange, more relevantly, the following assumptions are made:

1. The people involved belong from the same family. However, even if that is not the case, the theory will still hold true.

2. The people involved are all Punjabis. This is the basic assumption and requirements, in the absence of which the theory will not hold true.

3. The people involved have telephones or mobile phones.

4. The phone bills of the people in question are paid.


The Theory of Cross Connections is based on two very crucial characteristics of Punjabis- 1. That they repeat things at least four times, and 2. That they tend to add their own sensational pieces of fiction each time they repeat their stories.

Let the four members involved belong to the Punjabi family of Kakkar's and let these four people be my Mom who lives in Ranchi, my aunt (Monu and Sonu's mom) who lives in Dehradun, my buaji who lives in Dehradun and my married, cousin Choti who also lives in Dehradun.

Here is how the theory works:

Monu's folks were being badgered by people with prospective matches for my poor cousin, who may I remind you is a top-quality commodity in the marriage market. So to dissuade these well-meaning people who like to think of themselves as Monu's parents' well-wishers but are, in fact massive spasms of pain each in the you-know-where, Monu's mother and my aunt, tells my buaji that they have already somebody in mind for their much sought-after daughter but that they will wait for another year before officially declaring anything or getting into the complex ceremonies of marrying the two.

This is the piece of information that was shared. Now buaji calls Choti and tells her that my aunt had told her that they have found a suitable match for Monu and that the marriage will take place next year. Note here how a seemingly inconsequential omission of the the word "wait" has changed the statement to mean that Monu is definitely getting married next year.

Next, Choti calls up my mother and tells her that Monu is going to get married next year and that her parents have found a suitable boy for her but adds that they are not sharing any details about him, including where he is from or what he does. Simultaneously, Buaji has called my aunt to tell her that she has told the news to Choti and to relay what Choti had to say and my mother too has called Buaji and my aunt to share what each knows and also the responses of the other people whom they have informed of this.




Meanwhile, I happen to drop in at Choti's place to deplete some of her treasured stock of frozen meat of all kinds. i am hoping to see the face of my older cousin, twisted into a pleasantly-surprised smile at the sight of me but instead I am concerned to find on her face, the look that an Aaj-Tak reporter would probably give Julian Assange, should the latter walk into an Aaj-Tak office.

"What?" I ask. "Tell me about Monu's fiance", she commands. "Monu's WHO?", I shout. So apparently, by now the conversation has reached the point where Monu is engaged to be married next year and for some reason, her villainous parents won't share the news with the rest of the family.

Before I can step inside her house, I am made to go through a preliminary investigation that comprises questions about "Monu's fiance", including where he is from, what he does, who are the parents, what do they do, his educational qualifications and so forth. Since I don't have answers to all questions but the first, I am let off the questioning hook and am instead embraced into the gossip loop. From some undisclosed source, Choti has also been made to believe that Monu's sister Sonu was opposed to the "rishta" and I sat there bewildered wondering when had all of this happened since I am always at home.

Naturally, I am not so keen to plunder the frozen meat anymore seeing as how I have been subjected to much and unanticipated questioning, which is so much worse than much and anticipated questioning.

Hence Proved.