BREAKING NEWS: Contents of THE diary revealed!!!!

Note: Read this post first to understand what I am talking about.

I was able to get a lengthy peak into THE diary of our revered mahila planning aayog. It’s a brand new executive diary, albeit of the year 2005. The crisp new pages have now been slashed across brutally by my mom’s terrible handwriting and it took me a while to decipher what she was trying to write. Every page begins with Har Shri Nath Ji- well done, mom who hasn’t been to the dargah in a few years now; maybe it was the presence of buaji that ensured the same.

Anyhow, the first page has the dates of the shaadi function and what day it is. I saw the tentative program, which is as follows:

Ladies kirtan will be on Arpil 24th, between 4 to 6 pm at Nath Vatika. Ladies sangeet would begin immediately after that and will last for about an hour. Hmm, I am imagining the women sitting in salwar-kameez with dupattas over their heads singing bhajans; then as soon the clock chimes 6, they would rip off their traditional wear to reveal western, party dresses. The setting would change, God portraits being trolleyed off and disco lights descending from the ceiling. There will be a dinner following the bizarre kirtan-transforming-into-ladies-sangeet fiasco.

Yeah, it will be a disaster.

The next day will be ladies to get mehendi put on their hands. My dad grimaces and I can see his mind working on how to avoid the unbearable assault to his nose while dozens of palms are smeared with the foul-smelling paste.

We will leave for Gurgaon on April 26th. The planning aayog has entered sagan, chunni and mehendi for the 26th, which is bizarre. On being interrogated, mom said, “We would expect to reach Gurgaon by noon so that we can freshen up, get dressed and begin the sagan”.

Loopholes:

1. Reaching Gurgaon at noon would mean leaving from Doon at least 6 hours before this. Which means leaving at 6 am. Which means gathering at a specific place at 5:45 am. Which means leaving for the specific place from our respectuve homes at 5:30 am. Which means getting up at 4:30 am. Which is impossible for 50 per cent of the family. I rest my case.

2. Assuming that we do manage to reach Gurgaon at the said time, the fact remains that we are a lazy bunch of couch-potatoes. We cannot be expected to reach and start getting ready for a function. We need to lounge for hours on an end after we are made to run up the terrace to see if there is enough water in the tanks. I personally consider it a big, satisfying day when I wake up any time before 9:30 am, take a bath, eat my food and clean my room- all before noon. So there. We need sprawling, lounging time.

The most horrifying discovery however is the menu section. Every day, every meal has been meticulously planned in a few pages. Snacks, main course, drinks and of course details of our cook between April 23rd and April 28th- Uttam Ji. It is not so bad- pastries and bun-tikkis; shashi paneer, pakoras, chole, malai-kofta, potatoes, halwa and kulfi and so on- except NO NON-VEG!!! How?? Why?? When was this decided and on what basis?

On asking the opposition for their reaction, my dad declared that the mahila planning aayog’s food decisions would be rejected and said that a new food committee would be formed comprising him and me.

Ha! Good luck feeding yourselves, vegetarians!